Deep Thoughts Late at Night...

Going to begin this with a warning, its late and Icant sleep... I am writing as I think it so forgive the all over the place nature of my brain!

My first born sweet little girl is starting school in a little over 2 weeks... granted she has been in pre-preschool and preschool and a few enrichment classes and library program and ballet... but this is full blown actual all day every day SCHOOL. Kindergarten. Whoa. She just turned 5 a few days ago and I am getting my head wrapped around that one and now I have to grasp the idea of SCHOOOL. We got her welcome packet in the mail recently and I see that we live not even a mile away from the school yet she will be on the bus every morning for almost 40 mins JUST so she doesn't have to cross the road. The safety issue is a little out of hand, but I can see why. My road is atrocious with the horrible driving of the farmers/farm trucks... as well as a few blind turns. BAd combo. I am sure she will be fine, her 2 BFFS are on the same bus so they will probably not even mind the ride. I probably COULD drive her... but we will see how it all plays out.  She has her little heart
set on riding that damn bus... if she is still singing that same tune when the time comes, then so be it. the bus it is :) There is a small point or thought I wanted to share that needed this intro to explain...

Don't wish the time away...
The time really does go by fast with this kiddos. People always tell you to enjoy them while they are young and I am seeing how right they are. Too many times I've caught myself saying, I cant wait for THIS phase to be over... but even some of the bad ones, Ive missed when they were over.
So... I work a lot. Some people work more, I know.. but I DO work a lot. and sometimes I am tired and it shows. I find myself getting short with them when I wake up or I'm trying to do something for myself.. like *god forbid* take a shower or even pee without someone barging in, or hearing a crash or blood curdling scream... or just them following me with their "Mom Mom Mom...." *see included video to explain what I mean* bc they are happy to see me... and I snap to give me some time... but really when you think about it: this time is PRECIOUS. There will come a time when I will want them to talk to me or tell me about their day and they won't want to... or I will want a big kiss or hug and it won't be "cool"... I vowed to take personal note... don't wish the time away. There will be a time that I will have my own time and I will wish I had them all little and they still thought the world of me... I hope they always do, but they will grow up and need me less and less. I hate to think of how my negative thoughts of being overwhelmed by them at times rub off on them. .. the other day I even saw a PBS short on parenting... it showed a Mom lose her temper about getting distracted while making dinner and how getting mad/yelling affects your kids way of dealing with anger and other problems... and then cut to how she SHOULD have handled it... then I took a look at myself and felt like the worst parent ever...
stupid PBS thing making me feel worse about something I already hated about myself. :/  I sometimes see how what I say is carried on and thy are starting to say these things... (from Daddy too, not just Momma) I asked Maris to help me with something the other day and she said "I just want to do ONE THING for myself" and I was like... ooops maybe I said that ONE too many times... I began to wonder if I am to blame for Jackson's inability to handle his emotions most of the time... he is a little clone of me really. He hates crowds and gets very inward and emotional. I must say, I am pretty great with keeping a cool head with him and his fits most of the time, but after months I found myself talking down to him or losing my patience and yelling back... he is getting better but still...I need to work on myself.
There are nights when I count down the time until I leave for work just to get some peace and quiet and some "me" time as in I don't have to be "mom mom mom"-ed to death... and those sweet babies STILL insist on standing at the door and waving goodbye - even in the middle of a brawl, they will still stop to wave to me... then I feel bad for wanting to get away so badly... they always ask me when my nights off are and look forward to them. I know that things seem so much worse in the moment... and I still every night when I get home go into their room and look at their peaceful little faces and smile. Being a parent entails so much sacrifice of yourself and is also the greatest feeling simultaneously...

I think it is the reality of her growing away from me that is provoking this... I see her going off to school as the beginning. I WANT her to go to school, she wants to go to school... it is completely normal... I just know that I am going to blink and she will be in middle school, then turn around and I will be at her graduation... then looking at colleges... I sound so dramatic... haha but its late a t night and I had some time to think and I needed to gain some perspective....

I need to work on my patience with them and how I react and speak to them. My daughter acts to mature and wise beyond her years at times... like 5 going on 17... the sass and wit that comes out of that one... phew! and the little guy, he needs a stable role model to see how he needs to handle his emotions. He has an emotional Mom and a Dad with a mouth and temper and he seems to be inheriting the worst of both of us at times. I have to steady myself. Sometimes I am strict with things but if I am tired from work or whatever, I may let certain things slide and that just doesn't set any stability...that being said, I KNOW I am a good mother. If anything, I am so tired because I try to take on so much. I have done something just about every day this summer with these kiddos. I want them to experience as much as possible so they can grow into well rounded cultured individuals that can think for themselves and have their own opinions on things instead of people saying, you never did this, but you don;t want to... or something like that. They can say they DID instead of they wish they did... if that makes any sense to anyone but me... after this summer, our lives will change. We won't have the "free" schedule
 that we are used to. Our lives will be dictated by the schedules of the schools. This is normal I know, im just saying I want to do as much as I can before there are restraints on our time. I also have decided tonight to take more time off of work starting soon. I want to work maybe 4 nights a week instead of 5 or 6 like usual. I had 3 nights off in a row and you'd think these kids won the lottery when I told them. They just love having all 4 of us together as it barely ever happens for more than a half hour at a time most days.

so time... patience... stability...




I have some wonderful kids